I'm scared. Scared, scared, scared. Today I woke up and I couldn't pass off how I felt as tired. It was more than that. For months my general health and energy levels have been going downhill. I kept trying to stay calm, think of all the reasons I am tired and think of my energy levels as a natural part of being a new parent. All new parents are tired. All new parents have good months and bad months. As of today I can't pretend that this is a new-parent kind of tired. This is exhaustion. This is fatigue. This is CFS. Welcome back old friend!
When I was pregnant, I kept telling people it was like my body had been kick-started. From just after my (very short lived) morning sickness left I was more energised, more focused, more alive than I had been in about three years. After Avery was born it was more of the same. I found the first four or five months after his birth fantastic. Yes there was very little sleep, yes I had no idea what I was doing, yes my life changed... but I felt great. Not just happy, because yeah, having a great little baby will make you happy, but I felt well. For the first time in years I felt normal. I got out of bed willingly. I wanted to do things. I liked interacting with the world.
The last six months or so I have felt that slip away. It's been harder to get out of bed, to do the things that were coming so naturally. And now I know without a doubt that this is Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I'm forgetful, vague, lethargic. I dread getting out of bed no matter how many hours sleep I've had. Making it anywhere (let alone on time) seems an insurmountable task. My insomnia is back. My joints feel like they are grinding together every time I move. My arms and legs feel alternatively like they are dead weight, or wasting away. I'm so tired that the word tired seems pathetic when used to describe this giant monolith of aching physical sensation.
So what do I do now? I used to shut down, go to bed, try the little things that sometimes lead to improvements. That's a luxury I don't have. Now there is this little person who relies on me. I'm his primary caregiver five days a week. I have no idea how I can do this. I'm so scared.