I'm scared. Scared, scared, scared. Today I woke up and I couldn't pass off how I felt as tired. It was more than that. For months my general health and energy levels have been going downhill. I kept trying to stay calm, think of all the reasons I am tired and think of my energy levels as a natural part of being a new parent. All new parents are tired. All new parents have good months and bad months. As of today I can't pretend that this is a new-parent kind of tired. This is exhaustion. This is fatigue. This is CFS. Welcome back old friend!
When I was pregnant, I kept telling people it was like my body had been kick-started. From just after my (very short lived) morning sickness left I was more energised, more focused, more alive than I had been in about three years. After Avery was born it was more of the same. I found the first four or five months after his birth fantastic. Yes there was very little sleep, yes I had no idea what I was doing, yes my life changed... but I felt great. Not just happy, because yeah, having a great little baby will make you happy, but I felt well. For the first time in years I felt normal. I got out of bed willingly. I wanted to do things. I liked interacting with the world.
The last six months or so I have felt that slip away. It's been harder to get out of bed, to do the things that were coming so naturally. And now I know without a doubt that this is Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I'm forgetful, vague, lethargic. I dread getting out of bed no matter how many hours sleep I've had. Making it anywhere (let alone on time) seems an insurmountable task. My insomnia is back. My joints feel like they are grinding together every time I move. My arms and legs feel alternatively like they are dead weight, or wasting away. I'm so tired that the word tired seems pathetic when used to describe this giant monolith of aching physical sensation.
So what do I do now? I used to shut down, go to bed, try the little things that sometimes lead to improvements. That's a luxury I don't have. Now there is this little person who relies on me. I'm his primary caregiver five days a week. I have no idea how I can do this. I'm so scared.
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3 comments:
Oh honey. *hugs*
I've grappled with CFS and depression over the years. For a pragmatic person I found many of the solutions offered a little airy-fairy. But...
In my experience, you keep putting one foot in front of the other and eventually you get there. I keep reminding myself that, as before, it will pass. Occasionally I will decamp to the wardrobe or shower for a cry. But read below from Micahel Leunig(this will be a monster reply!!) It says it so well:
What is worth doing and what is worth having - Curly Pyjama Letters Leunig
(From Mr. Curly to Vasco Pyjama)
Dear Vasco,
In response to your question, “What is worth doing and what is worth having?” I would like to say simply this. It is worth doing nothing and having a rest; in spite of all the difficulty it may cause, you must rest, Vasco — otherwise you will become RESTLESS! I believe the world is sick with exhaustion and dying of restlessness.
While it is true that periods of weariness help the spirit to grow, the prolonged, ongoing state of fatigue, to which our world seems to be rapidly adapting, is ultimately soul-destroying as well as earth-destroying. The ecology of evil flourishes and love cannot take root in this sad situation. Tiredness is one of our strongest, most noble and instructive feelings. It is an important aspect of our CONSCIENCE and must be heeded or else we will not survive.
When you are tired you must HAVE that feeling and you must act upon it sensibly — you MUST rest like the trees and animals do. Yet tiredness has become a matter of shame! This is a dangerous development. Tiredness has become the most suppressed feeling in the world. Everywhere we see people overcoming their exhaustion and pushing on with intensity — cultivating the great mass mania which all around is making life so hard and ugly — so cruel and meaningless — so utterly graceless — and being congratulated for overcoming it and pushing it deep down inside themselves as if it were a virtue to do this.
And of course, Vasco, you know what happens when such strong and natural feelings are denied — they turn into the most powerful and bitter poisons with dreadful consequences. We live in a world of these consequences and then wonder why we are so unhappy.
So I gently urge you, Vasco, do as we do in Curly Flat — learn to curl up and rest — feel your noble tiredness — learn about it and make a generous place for it in your life and enjoyment with surely follow.
I repeat: it’s worth doing nothing and having a rest.
Yours sleepily, Mr. Curly x x x
Thanks Chloe.
Way, that seems to sum it up so aptly. We do seem to have pride in being "busy" and ignore the toll this takes on us. I learned the hard way what CFS can take from you, but I also learned that there is value in finding a different pace to live at. I don't enjoy the pace that I am forced to live at when I am unwell, but I don't aim to exist at a frenetic level anymore.
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