Better late than never...

Yipes, I'm so behind in my blogs lately it's not funny. Reminder though, that the 18th Down Under Feminists' Carnival is on over at Wallaby. There are, as per usual, many great posts included. Have a browse as I'm pretty safe in saying there is something in there for everyone (and it also conveniently answers Crikey's question on where all the female political bloggers are... they're here!).

What alien am I gestating?

So here is the real question, people. It's there, ready to burst out at any moment... what alien am I gestating?

Is it Sigourney Weaver's Alien?



Is it Kuato from Total Recall?



The Thing from The Thing?



Or a mutant combination of her and Himself's DNA? (perhaps the scariest of all...)


Share your thoughts below...

What alien am I gestating?

Sigorney Weaver\'s Alien Kuato from Total Recall The Thing from The Thing A mutant combination of her and Himself\'s DNA

View Results Free Myspace Poll

28 weeks and counting

I've now had a little person (yet to be verified, I still have my alien suspicions) growing inside me for 28 weeks. I remember how I used to wonder what it would feel like to have someone growing inside me. I couldn't imagine how it would be to feel kicking, or movement, or to be aware that this little person can hear you speak, breathe and eat. Now that I'm here, that I can feel all of these things and they are real, guess what? They still don't feel real. I know it's my child in there, logically, but there is a mental disconnect that I can't overcome. It's too overwhelming.

That disconnect was in prime form when my wonderful mother-in-law took us shopping for a pram. This is something Himself and I have attempted a few times, but abandoned very quickly. Much like any of the shopping involved in our wedding, I find the whole baby industry similarly ridiculous. Products with dubious purpose play on parents fears, are divided into blue and pink and as often as possible feature a copyrighted character. In the face of such horror we have slowly backed out of the door and given up on buying the essentials. This time we figured we'd take the expert (especially since she did the same thing for our niece only a few years ago) which was a great move. We went to an independent store (avoiding the big chains certainly helps take out some of the ick-factor of baby shopping) and selected both a simple pram and a car seat in under an hour. All of this was considered a huge success (and draws a close to any required big item shopping and thus big-box stores).

The freak out factor occurred after we got our purchases home. Himself, of course, had to unpack and assemble everything as soon as possible. Which left me staring at a pram and car capsule thinking "holy shite, we're actually going to put a baby in that". Which filled me with terror for five minutes, until my brain shut down. I can prepare a room, read every book I can get my hands on about birth and babies, enjoy feeling the moves and kicks inside me, imagine how life will be when this little person arrives. But imagining the person, this individual who will become so central to our lives... nope. Does not compute. Can not imagine it, even though Bubble Baby is already alive inside me.

Let's play doctors, Mummy! No, wait, let's play stripping!

via Gizmodo

That's right people, this really is the age of choice. Not content with waiting until she's 18 to learn the tradecraft of stripping? No problem with this (presumably real, according to Gizmodo editors) new doll. There are enough articles around lamenting the product itself, so I'll refrain from delving too deep into the all-too-obvious issues with it, but there is a fairly good rundown of what it is and where it appears to have come from on Parentdish.com

What took this from *headdesk* to shock, for me, was the casual association between this doll and the recently publicised breastfeeding doll. I was first alerted to the product by an acquaintance who emailed it to a bunch of people with the comment "this is almost as bad as the breastfeeding doll". Are you for serious? Almost as bad as the breastfeeding doll? When I followed the link to the story he sent I was taken to this Perez post, which also starts the article with a comparison to the breastfeeding doll. From there, I followed it back to the article he found it in at Parentdish.com which, you guessed it, also compares it to the breastfeeding doll. Finally I traced the story to Gizmodo (who it appears found the product and broke the story) where, finally, it is compared to something comparable (and unrelated to breastfeeding) the USB Pole Dancer which was banned from sale at Marks & Spencer.

This casual association between a doll which promotes gyrating on a pole earning money (or kudos) by getting naked and simulating various sexual acts and positions and one which simulates feeding a child in the method recognised as the most healthy and preferable by the World Health Organisation is astounding. The much-discussed breastfeeding doll was widely condemned recently as being an encouragement for girls to start having babies young, and a product which would sexualise them too early. Wow, that's almost as bad as a doll which actually does encourage them to 'play' at sexualisation. You know, like a pole dancing doll.

Clearly I fall on the side of opinion which says that if it's appropriate for children to play with a doll which bottle feeds, it's appropriate for them to play with a doll that breastfeeds. There is nothing sexual in this at all. It's modelling what parents do, and what they may choose to do if/when they have children of their own. I cannot reconcile how a doll which involves no sexual activity at all can be automatically associated with a doll which is all about sexual activity. There is no other way to interpret a pole dancing doll. It mimics a real life activity which is firmly entrenched in sexual, adult experience. Let's cut the crap. There is no comparison here at all. And while we're at it, why don't you tell me which you'd rather your daughter grew up to do in real life, breastfeed or pole dance?

Ultrasounds and the safety questions.

After talking (in my earlier post) about the ultrasound I have each time I visit my obstetrician, I was asked if I was concerned about the potential health risks of such frequent scans. Most women, in a regular pregnancy, will have 2-3 scans unless issues arise or complications are diagnosed. I'm having one a month at present, and I assume if my doctor continues on in the same way I will have them more frequently as my appointments increase.

The simple answer is no, I'm not concerned about the health risks. While it's clear that little in depth research has been done on the long-term health issues associated to ultrasounds, I am comfortable with the research that has been done. From my reading, I'm satisfied that what I gain from these ultrasounds far outweighs the risks I am taking. To clarify, while I'm not having these ultrasounds for specific diagnostic services, I certainly get something out of them.

For me, the opportunity to look on a monitor, see and hear a heartbeat and wriggling baby is a huge psychological relief. It helps me to keep my anxiety in check. After miscarrying (and my generally far-from-optimistic outlook) previously and the earlier bleeding in this pregnancy, it is an effort for me to allow myself to relax and enjoy this process without becoming scared of what might happen or how things are progressing. As I leave my obstetrician's office after each visit I feel reassured and more able to allow myself to further attach to this bubble baby.

Clearly, there is no physical need for me to have these scans. The simple fact is that the benefits outlined above are, for me, vital. My mental health requires management in the same way that my physical health does, and I feel that this is a heavy weight on the side of 'worth it' vs. the risks. The commonly asked question by most people concerned over potential health issues is "why would you take any more risks than you have to just to see an image of your baby, there's no real benefit in doing so is there?" I have my answer to that question; yes, for me, there is benefit to how I'm managing this pregnancy.

The scans I have (besides the regular 12 week scan when checking for risks of Downs Syndrome) are less than five minutes long, in fact they are probably less than three minutes. My obstetrician doesn't attempt to diagnose anything from the scans other than whether the baby is in fact there, with a beating heart. She doesn't take the time to find a comprehensive angle and do show-and-tell, the purpose is not to give me an added bonus picture show. I'm satisfied that the potential risks as outlined in the reading I've done are not increased to a point I'm uncomfortable with in these short moments. As she herself explained at my first appointment, she has the equipment in her office and she likes to do a quick visual as a matter of routine. I'm sure if I requested that we stopped, she would support that choice, but the sense of well being I have after each appointment means I am happy to continue these quick scans.

I read an interesting post from a Canadian blogger in regards to the growing trend of ultrasounds-at-your-convenience and 3D ultrasounds. I've never been tempted to do a 3D ultrasound, mostly because I do see them as another commodity being sold to parents in the never ending marketing cycle. I'm also not concerned with how my baby looks, that's not what appeals to me about ultrasounds in general, and I don't see how a 3D ultrasound is anything other than a more realistic peeking device. I'm content to see hands, feet a head and a torso. If they're still there I don't need more detail.

By the way, I'm booked in for my full/proper 20 week ultrasound where a real ultrasound tech does a more detailed visual analysis of bubble baby next week, so be ready for me to do an about-face and tell you about how I need to see every detail I can and will not be satisfied until I do.

Can't sleep at this motel...

Clowns will eat me.

We're still here... both of us.

Still pregnant, still in a weird state of disbelief about the whole affair. Very, very pleased to report that we're both in good health at the moment and looking forward to this just-beginning fifth month. In typical anxious style I have gone from counting down the to the 'safe' mark of the second trimester to the next milestone, 24 weeks (when a baby can, in theory, survive outside the womb with medical assistance). Even as I'm doing this, I recognise that these anxieties, these markers I'm counting down to, are pointless. Yes, I'm concerned about my baby being born safe and happy, but at each stage there is another worry to line up. I'm sure at 38 weeks I'll be convinced that every time there is a lull in bubble baby's movements there is some risk, some chance that something is wrong. It's a process of coping with my own anxiety issues, and of the natural anxieties that come with parenthood. Not easy for a natural worrywart, but completely ordinary for most parents.

As much as the anxiety is always in the background, I have let myself attach to this baby more. I didn't realise how much I had pulled back emotionally once I started bleeding, but now I'm taking some time to enjoy it all. At least once a day I rest, stay still and let myself think about what a miracle this whole process is. Try to tune in to the concept that there really is a living person inside me, that my body is doing these amazing things. Because I'm overweight I can feel a different kind of rounding in my belly, but it isn't obvious to look at. If it wasn't for the ultrasounds each visit to my obstetrician (I'm lucky enough to have an Ob. who has an old machine in her room and uses it to check for heartbeat and brief glimpse each appointment), it would be easy to believe this was a dream. Dare I mention that I think I may have felt the baby move today? It may just have been indigestion, but it felt different. Mind you, everything feels slightly weird when pregnant. I have no interest in food (so unlike me it's not funny), my digestive system does weird things and other issues I'll leave unspoken for your own good.

Mostly, at the moment, I'm doing a lot of thinking about the kind of parenting I want to practice, the aspects of various movements I agree/disagree with etc. One area I'm hoping will be less of an issue than it is for most new-parent partnerships is division of labour. I'm under no misapprehension that, given I'm determined to breastfeed, much of the practical feeding/night waking/primary care role will be mine for quite some time. In terms of the household labour and domestic tasks in our home are primarily taken care of by my partner already; washing, cooking dinner, day-to-day cleaning... he's already responsible for the lion's share of these. I'd estimate he does around 75% of the domestic care around the house when he is home (he travels two weeks a month for work). We're also already in the position where I'm only working part-time (and from home), so I won't have to adjust to the non 9-5 lifestyle.

Want to have written evidence to point me back to and laugh over? Here are the aims I've already begun to formulate for our parenting journey:

• Both partners to be able to act as primary caregiver. I want both of us to be able to know how to pack a nappy bag, how to settle bubble baby to sleep or to find our own routines and habits. I know I can be a control freak, and I don't want to find myself in that trap where you are so determined to do/be the best parent you can be that you don't give your partner the space to find their own rhythm, and in turn trap yourself into the role of becoming the leader, and the other parent 'helping' when you let them, or tell them what to do and how to do it.
• Learn how to stand our ground on our own parenting decisions. My partner and I love our families very much. We both have positive relationships with the corresponding in-laws (some days I swear my Mum likes Himself more than she likes me). Unfortunately I think we both suffer from wanting to please them too much. While they are far from meddling, I think we ourselves worry too much about what they will think, and we find it hard to stand our ground when we know it will conflict with their ideas or methods. This is why we're not discussing baby names with anyone, and partly why we won't find out the sex of the baby. I don't want to be swayed by anyone.
• Be a supportive, non-judgemental mother. I don't want to play Mummy Wars. I don't want to judge other women for their parenting choices. I want to accept other people's choices, just the way I want mine supported by them. This one won't be easy for me. I often have strong opinions and I while I try to be open to other people's ideas raising kids is one of the most contentious areas and I've seen firsthand the destruction that comes from letting your differing parenting ideals come between you and a friend.
• Not to take the easy road just because it's easier. I'm a passionate environmentalist, and a passionate feminist. Whether I raise a boy or a girl, have a difficult baby or an easy one, I don't want to give up my principles because it gets harder to stick by them. I'm sure there will be days where disposables are easier than cloth, where it's easier to smile and ignore another adult telling my child that only girls play with dolls and when I'm too tired to cook organic, nutritious meals instead of ordering takeaway. That doesn't mean I give up and just live with a 'whatever' attitude. There are more eco-friendly disposables to fall back on, I can avoid an argument with other adults about the engendering of children through toys but make sure I foster the opportunity to participate in all kinds of play for my own child, and if I've been feeding my child a healthy balanced diet and occasional meal of crap isn't going to harm them.
  

I'm sure I'm going to love looking back on this and laughing, but if we don't have aims then we don't have anything to aim for.