Australian Women Writers 2012 Reading and Reviewing Challenge

This year I'll be tracking my reading via Goodreads again, which I found really useful last year. I love being able to look back over what I've read, or see recommendations from other people. Last year I set myself the goal of reading a book a week (which I thought I would manage easily), but I didn't come near it. I managed about 26, which I was quite shocked by. This year I have set myself the same goal again, a book a week, but I'm also really looking forward to participating in an extra challenge.

The Australian Women Writers 2012 Reading and Reviewing Challenge has been created in response to much of the conversation in 2011 about whether the publishing/writing/reading community in Australia is supportive enough of women writers. I wholeheartedly agree that we have a huge amount of work to do in this area, so I'm pleased to have something concrete to commit to in order to make sure I keep paying attention to reading and discussing the writing of women in Australia.

I'm all set to do the following:

Franklin-fantastic (read 10 and review at least 4 books)

I'm already underway, having used the recent Writers Victoria library clear-out to pick up some titles by Australian women. My first was Gaby Maher's The Undewharf. I like it a lot, and will try to get a review up for it shortly. It was published in 1995, which really surprised me as it seemed quite contemporary.

You can join in by tweeting @auswomenwriters and posting links to your reviews or discussions using the #AWW2012 hashtag.

2011 In Brief

For the last few years I have completed this same set of questions...

1.What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?

Juggle parenting with working a day job (as in, not freelance work from home).

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I wanted to "Get healthier, enjoy Avery, aim for balance, don't be harsh on myself if/when I don't achieve it." This certainly wasn't the year of health. Himself, Avery and I spent more time sick than I could have imagined. I do think I enjoyed Avery, especially after going back to work, which gave me back some space of my own aside from mum stuff. Which I guess answers the balance question. I'm not sure that I took it easy on myself when I didn't quite manage to juggle everything. I think I should keep working on that as a resolution for next year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

My friend Katie and her partner Faith welcomed a beautiful baby girl into their family. There were also women I hadn't met yet who were giving birth to children I now know and love (the children and the women!). Finding mother friends who are very much on my page and creating a community has been pure joy.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No.

5. What countries did you visit?

None. I am heading off to the UK in March this year, so at least I will finally be able to say yes to this question for 2012!

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?

Better health. I would like to shake off this permanent aching and fatigue so I can be more present with my family, friends and work.

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

January 20, 2011. Celebrating my child's first birthday felt as much of a milestone for me as it did for him.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Heading back to work for another organisation (rather than freelance) part time. I love my work at Express Media and I'm so glad I found this position by serendipity. I wasn't looking for work, I happened to see the job at just the right time, I was lucky enough to get it. In many ways this job is a result of all the hard work (most of it unpaid or poorly paid) that I did in my twenties before CFS kicked my arse. At my sickest it seemed like all the networking, all the connections, all the projects had been for nothing. I'd faded from people's radars and while everyone else moved on with successful careers I was left behind. This job is my opportunity to return to the industry I love with even more purpose and hopefully a more balanced approach to my career.

9. What was your biggest failure?

If there was one, it is probably managing my health. Although honestly, I do believe that with all the bugs Avery bought home from daycare this was less to do with management and more to do with bad luck.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Yes. I would count this as another year of managing CFS, though certainly not at the same level I once had to.

11. What was the best thing you bought? (was bought for you)

Best thing I bought was lots and lots of books by Australian authors. It has been good to get stuck in to some more challenging reads.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

Himself, without a doubt. As I've headed back to work he has taken on a massive workload with Avery, dealing with almost all night waking and early mornings by himself. Without all of the hard-slog parenting he has been doing I just wouldn't be able to work. On top of that, he has also been dragged all over town for openings, launches and various work functions despite the fact he would rather be at home on the couch. My parents have also been ace, picking up Avery from childcare at least once a week, minding him when I have work functions to attend and generally making life with a one year old much easier.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?

There have been times when members of our family probably deserve to go in this category, but let's not go into that.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Childcare.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Avery learning to communicate with us, first with sign language and then with an ever-expanding list of sounds and words. It's pretty freaking awesome.

16. What songs will always remind you of 2011?

I don't know that there is one.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i) …happier or sadder?

Happier.

ii) thinner or fatter?

Fatter. CFS and my own poor health management are to blame.

iii) richer or poorer?

Probably about the same.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Sleep.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Lying awake at night unable to sleep while my child and partner slept soundly around me.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

Christmas Eve Eve with dear friends celebrating the festive season and Himself's 30th birthday. Christmas Eve cooking and dropping food to Himself's family in preparation for the next day, then eating dinner and watching Christmas movies with Clare and Holly (Avery's non-godparents). Christmas morning at our house with my parents watching Avery enjoy opening his presents and playing with new toys. Late morning at my great aunt's house with some family, the rest of the day with Himself's family. I did fall asleep late afternoon and wake up in the early evening to find I had missed most of the day, but it was still lovely.

22. Did you fall in love in 2010?

Yes. With wonderful women and their children, who I am lucky enough to consider my village.

23. How many one night stands?

None.

24. What were your favourite TV programs?

It was such a good year for TV. There was Game of Thrones, Downton Abbey, more Doctor Who, a lot more Midsomer Murders, We Can Be Heroes, Treme, Friday Night Lights, Misfits, Fringe. So good.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

No.

26. What was the best book you read?

Collectively, A Song of Ice and Fire. Individually, A Pocketful of Eyes by Australian author Lili Wilkinson. I just love her writing. Highly rated were also The Hunger Games trilogy, Truth by Peter Temple (another Aussie) and Berlin Syndrome by Melanie Joosten (yet another Aussie).

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Oh dear. This question brings home the woeful lack of new music I have welcomed into my life. I think my greatest musical discoveries were actually rediscoveries. Things I have loved for a long time and now share with Avery. We sing a lot of Queen (especially Bohemian Rhapsody), The Ramones, lots of Muppets songs (particularly Mnah Mnah) and plenty of Beatles.

28. What did you want and get?

A fulfilling job that didn't take me away from Avery too much.

29. What did you want and not get?

Nothing really... if I had to find something I guess it would be travel.

30. What was your favourite film of this year?

It was pleasing to see the conclusion of Harry Potter, but the one that will really stay with me is Black Swan. I didn't understand why people were talking about leaving the cinema feeling so overwrought. Then I saw it. I get it now.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I don't remember! Ah crap. I turned 31 and I think I was too distracted getting ready for Avery's 1st birthday to really care about mine.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

An extra day in the week. Or more sleep. Yeah, actually, more sleep would be like an extra day in the week.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?

Try not to get food/dirt/mystery objects smeared all over yourself before you leave the house for work.

34. What kept you sane?

My mum. Himself doing so much to keep us floating while I got back into the working grove.

35.Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

I managed to tick one thing off my Bucket List this year by seeing Alan Davies perform stand up live. He is still top of my list for potential future husbands.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

Apathy. I saw a lot of it this year and it makes me as annoyed as ever.

37. Who did you miss?

Lots of friends from other states and countries visited Melbourne this year, so there has been a lot less missing than most years.

38. Who was the best new person you met?

A group of women I now meet weekly that I didn't know this time last year.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011

The work you put into your career will pay off, even if it takes a while.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

There are times life will rattle your bones

And will bend your limbs

But you're still far and away the boy you've ever been

So you bend back and shake at the frame

Of the frame you made

(But you don't shake alone)

Dear Avery - The Decemberists

Even thought this is a song about a parent watching their son, Avery, head off to war (something I never want to do with my own Avery) it is essentially about watching your children grow up and away from you. This year has been one where I've had to take some of those first steps in letting go. It seems too soon.

41. What was your favorite moment of the year?

Hearing Avery say 'Mumma'.

42. What was your least favourite moment of the year?

Probably one of the many nights I realised it was only a couple of hours until I was due at work and I hadn't slept yet.

57. If you could go back in time to any moment of 2011 and change what?

Nothing.

58. What are your plans for 2011?

Travel to London, spend time in my excellent communities (both the writing/arts one and the natural parenting one), improve my current health situation, enjoy our home life more with the dogs, puppies, chickens, veggies, native garden and family.

What does co-parenting look like?

I've been having a number of interesting conversations lately about the difficulties of co-parenting. I define co-parenting in our household as being the commitment to both sharing the responsibilities of parenting relatively equally. That is to say, while we don't methodically divide tasks down an invisible middle line, we do aim to divvy up the work of raising our child so that there is a shared approach to the overall tasks required to raise him. It is also our desire not to fall back on the usual gender divides when allocating or assuming responsibilities.

The conversations have revolved around how difficult it can be to aim for a co-parenting model. How much discussion, negotiation, arguing and confusion it can lead to. Sometimes, some fellow crunchy parents and I wondered, wouldn't it be easier to have simple boundaries to follow? To accept that there was a set of tasks (in most cases probably defined by gender norms) that fell to one or the other of you, and that was that. Well, yes and no. Perhaps it would define things more easily, but would we like the division?

Here's what the split of parenting/household responsibilities looks like at our house. It should be noted that some of these tasks are undertaken by the other person (sometimes quite often), but that around 80% of the time the person listed is the default person for this task. Also, this isn't how things have always been divided. The lists looked quite different pre-Avery, and certainly they looked nothing like this when he was under one.

Himself:

• Daily morning routine, including getting up to Avery, feeding him breakfast and getting him ready for daycare
• Packing and unpacking daycare bag
• Walking Avery in and out of daycare from the car
• Attending to Avery during night waking
• Market shopping every fortnight
• Preparing food for us and Avery
• Washing nappies and laundry, hanging/drying/folding
• Packing/unpacking dishwasher and hand-washing dishes
• Vacuuming house
• Daily cleaning routines (after Avery's meals, food preparation etc)
• Putting out rubbish, recycling and compost scraps
• Mowing lawns and general house maintenance
• Attending to Avery's needs when we are out and about

Me:

• Being a stay-at-home parent two days per week
• Breastfeeding
• Arranging who is picking up/dropping off Avery from daycare
• Making sure we have milk, baby-wipes, nappies and other assorted baby supplies
• Creating a household budget
• Tracking and managing finances including paying bills, setting aside savings and managing insurance/rates/registration/mortgage/tax
• Arranging assistance when we need babysitting and/or time out
• Making doctor's appointments and taking Avery to doctor/maternal child health nurse
• Manage calendar, including arranging social outings and organising various appointments for family or Avery (car services, birthday parties)
• Plan holidays and/or family outings
• Manage family/friends birthdays including buying presents
• Reading up on Avery's milestones, stages and development, then attempting to apply appropriate parenting techniques and ideas for our family unit
• Researching decisions on childcare, schooling, extra activities (music classes, baby gym, swimming etc)
• Initiating discussions and negotiating decisions on feeding/sleep/behaviour boundaries and routines for Avery, then policing said routines
• Finding and maintaining relationships with a group of like-minded parents and children to provide Avery with a positive community to grow up within
• Major household item purchasing
• Purchasing clothes/shoes/sundry for Avery
• Bathroom/toilet cleaning
• Spring cleaning

Roughly put, I would say I'm responsible for the research, planning and 'big picture' stuff. Himself is responsible for the implementation of the day-to-day stuff. He gets sh*t done. When I'm stressed or tired I find it very difficult to push through, where Himself can go on and on and on despite his own exhaustion or workload. We're a good team that way.

Unfortunately this partnership can sometimes feel like Himself is doing everything, because the things he does are visual, obvious and easily recognisable. The stuff I do often happens behind the scenes, and can be easily missed if you're not looking for it. It feels like I carry the weight of our responsibilities on my shoulders alone sometimes. I feel like I need to always be 'on', or something will fall through the cracks. As Blue Milk so eloquently (as always) put it

All the work of getting it to happen, getting it to work, and keeping it running smoothly is done by mothers. It seems ridiculous – two people working, two people are parents – the organisational workload should be shared, but that isn’t how it happens. I am torn between fighting to get some equality and conserving my energy to deal with making what actually happens work.

If Himself needs a break, he can get out of the house for the day and leave all of it behind (perhaps this is not how he feels, but it is how it seems to me). I carry the worries with me. Have we got milk for Avery to take to daycare the next day? Did I remember to buy my mother-in-law a birthday present? Have we paid our bills? It's hard to turn off my mind and escape from these things. I feel like I need to be thinking ahead at all times, ready for what is coming next. If I don't, we'll fall in a hole or miss something vitally important.

And is it all worth it? Yes. Although sometimes, particularly in the early days of Avery's life, it didn't feel that way. It is hard to constantly negotiate, and to consider who is doing too much/too little. I often find myself feeling ripped off, but wondering where exactly this dissatisfaction comes from. I also find myself feeling vaguely guilty that I don't pull my weight more around the house. When we sit down and discuss the balance between us, we usually realise that I don't want to do any more of the day-to-day cleaning and household tasks, and Himself sure as hell doesn't want to be responsible for budgeting and scheduling our life. These tasks are allotted in ways that play to our strengths. So why do I feel that way?

The upsides of all this negotiation are clear, though. Himself has a great relationship with Avery. The only thing I do for Avery that Himself cannot is breastfeed. He comes to each of us equally for comfort, or to play. Their relationship is one of the most wonderful things to witness. If I need time out there is no need to explain Avery's routines, Himself has it covered. If I want a bag packed for Avery when we are going away, Himself knows what clothes fit and what he will need away from home. I don't worry when I walk out of the door, I always know Avery is in good hands. All these things make it abundantly clear that we are managing, for the most part, to co-parent and both take relatively equal responsibility for Avery and our family life together. Which matters because I want Avery to see that this is possible, that it is worthwhile. Looking back on thoughts on this issue from before Avery was born, I'm happy to see that we are on the right track. He deserves two parents who are equally involved in raising him.

Maternal desire

There are so many things that have astonished me about my body since becoming pregnant, right through to having an almost two year old that I am still breastfeeding. Right up there is the fact that my idea of maternal desire, that is, the biological and hormonal longing that I experienced before Avery was born, doesn't abate after you have had a child.

For many years, as I have discussed previously, I wanted to have a child. Intellectually, it was a choice I made for my own life that felt right for me. Luckily, the person I fell in love with felt the same way. That all sounds simple and logical, doesn't it? Perhaps, but below that level of rational thought was another driver. One I could recognise as hormonally and biologically driven. I wanted to have a child. I ached to. At various points in my life, regardless of the suitability of time/place/partner/situation, I wished I could fall pregnant and have a baby. The logical part of me would recognise that the answer to this desire was "not now", but that didn't take the ache away. I used logic to bury it, and hoped that the time/place/partner/situation would be right soon.

I suppose I always assumed that the conclusion to this desire was having a child. There you go, you've done it, you have a child and the biological need is fulfilled. Realising mere months after Avery was born that this wasn't the case was a shock. I found that even through my initial horror at the idea of having another child, some days I would find the familiar emotion creep up at me from nowhere. Rather than the answer to this desire being "not now", it was "but we already did that!" Unfortunately that didn't stop the existence of said emotion.

And no, this isn't a convoluted way of telling you I'm having another baby, or even contemplating it. It's just something I haven't heard discussed before. I suppose when I heard women talk about wanting other babies I thought they meant it was something they had decided on a logical level. I didn't realise that they were talking about this desire being as strong for the idea of having another baby as it was for having the first baby. Our biology is a source of constant fascination to me. As is the idea that we think we have moved past these primary urges.

Football and feminist parenting

"You get the sense that in football women are service providers, you've got your mum who drives you to and from training...you've got physios...you've got PR, who are moulding their image, you've got dietitians...everyone's working for them, so when you go to a bar they're still providing a service. They provide sex, they provide one-upmanship for each other for bonding" - Anna Krien in an interview for SlowTV.

I have been having an ongoing conversation with a group of fantastic women about the double edged sword of being a feminist mother and a football fan. Here in Melbourne having a footy team (particularly for boys) is given a lot of attention. In my family, recruiting children to become supporters of your own team is a sport unto itself.

Chris Judd was lambasted when he dared to say that footballers should not be role models, that they are just athletes. This cuts to the core of my current concern about football creeping into our life. If I could just take my child to the football, play football with him/her and walk away from the sport there, I would be happy. But along with supporting a team and letting the game into your family life comes the not-so pleasant reality of the world of AFL.

Like it or not, the game has serious issues in regards to its treatment of women. From the blatantly sexist (Sam Newman stating that there is no place for a woman on the board of AFL clubs), to the uncomfortable (the ongoing undermining of football commentator Caroline Wilson) to the out-and-out wrong (sexual assaults and rapes), there seems to be no end to the ways in which the sport (and the men who run it) malign and disrespect the women who play any role in 'their' world.

Since the last few very public incidents of sexual assault and/or torrid affairs, the AFL claims it is attempting to address these issues with specific training programs and other pro-active measures. But what's new about that? This document from 2005 shows that the AFL has protected itself by putting acceptable codes of conduct on paper for a long time. It's hard to see how another round of 'education programs' aimed at bored, disinterested players will make any difference. Isn't it just like being made to go to any training in your workplace? We all suffer through OH&S training, taking in nothing and wondering what we will have for dinner.

And while this fundamental misogyny is probably my greatest point of discomfort with the AFL, it's certainly not the only issue I have. The outspoken homophobia, which goes seemingly unchecked, the incidents of violence that seem to follow players around like a bad smell, and the cult of celebrity and fame that seems to be celebrated in a way most other sports don't fall into also bother me.

So how to I tackle this issue as a parent? How do I encourage Avery to enjoy the spectacle of a good footy match without buying into the marketing machine that surrounds the AFL? What should I do if he decides he actually wants to play football? Is there a way to play the game without buying into the culture of misogyny and hate? I don't want my son to become part of a machine that, as Anna Krien so aptly sums up, treats women as service providers.

I don't have the answers, but I have a feeling I'm going to need to find them. After taking Averyto his first local footy match it's clear he has a soft spot for the sport. Or at least the cheering.

Aberry

After toying with (and abandoning) a few almost-words here and there, Avery is talking. And the all important first word? Avery. It seems to be a possessive term. See a banana you want? Avery. Want someone to get you a toy from on a shelf? Avery. In an effort to make my ovaries explode from cute-overload, he pronounces it "Aberry". He is very proud of knowing his own name. Yesterday he sat on my lap, pointed to himself and solemnly said "Aberry", nodding sagely.

In typical Avery style, he has followed up the use of Avery with other important words like "iskit" (biscuit), "shit" (given he's pointing at the dogs, I'm going to assume he's trying for sit with this one) and "nabby" (nappy, his dreaded arch-nemesis).

I've been in no hurry to hear Avery talk. He's been communicating with everyone around him for a long time, both in the general sense that babies do (with cries and non-verbal cues) and also because we've been using sign language with him since he was about four months old.

I remember how exciting it was, after months of using sign language with him, the first time he signed "milk" to tell me he was hungry. He had understood plenty of signs, as evidenced by his affirmative responses when I would ask him if he was hungry or his delight when I would sign that it was time to go in the car, but he hadn't shown the desire to sign back at all.

After the first "milk" hand sign though, he seemed to take to sign language communication with gusto. It would take only one or two demonstrations of a new sign before he would be parroting it back to me, using it in context and delighting in the chance to show off his new word. At this stage he regularly uses the signs for milk, hungry, more, car, outside, drink, bed, shower. He understands quite a few more, but those are our everyday staples.

Most babies who use sign language tend to have early verbal language acquisition, but that hasn't been the case for Avery. He has a distinct babble language all of his own, with repetitive sounds and intonations, which he practises all day long. He also has strange little affirmative/negative sounds which are close to yes/no but more like "yis" and "nah". He uses "mama" and "dada" interchangeably and with little discrimination (he seems to use them to get attention, not really to address us individually). It hasn't worried me at all, because using sign language means he isn't frustrated or hampered by his inability to communicate.

I'm quite zen about the whole hitting milestones thing. I didn't do anything to encourage Avery to walk, or crawl. I wanted to use sign language to help with his frustration at not being understood, not to push him along developmentally. I know that it matters to some parents, but to me it just always seemed like all kids will crawl/walk/talk sooner or later, what does it change when it happens.

Which is why it's so strange that I'm excited to bursting point about his sudden decision to use words. I suppose it's because it is a whole new frontier, and one that means I can get more insight into what is going on in that beautiful head of his. I haven't been pining for him to talk, but now that's he's started I'm keen to hear what he will come up with next.

Indigenous Australians

While I was living in Perth, it genuinely shocked me to see the casual, inherent racism that was so prevalent towards Aboriginal people. I sometimes think that in Victoria, where Indigenous Australians are often less visible in a day-to-day sense, it can be easy to underestimate the racism towards this section of the population.

Here, there are fewer places where Indigenous Australians are seen congregating in public, and those places are rarely suburban enclaves. In the west, it was more common to see small groups of Indigenous people sitting in parks or gathering out front of houses. Partly this is probably due to the fact that all people are more commonly seen congregating outside, thanks to the nicer weather and abundant sunshine. Then there's the fact that there is a much higher Indigenous population in WA. Whatever the reason, it seemed to me that with greater visibility came greater comment and criticism, by which I really mean racism.

When I heard John Elliott's comments during Can of Worms, it reminded me that now I am home in Victoria, I am sheltered from this racism again. It's still there, it still exists, it is still just as toxic, but I see it less. Just because I'm not hearing the disgusting comments as people pass Indigenous Australians on the street, doesn't mean they're not thinking them or saying them in the spaces they feel safe to do so. It's a timely reminder given NAIDOC week was only earlier this month, that we have a long way to go towards reconciliation.